Once again, Roger shows why he is often my current best friend. He got me in to a screening of Sam Mendes’ JARHEAD! And this time I got to bring CM.com webmaster, Matt Steele! WooHoo!! OK, now to the movie… I thought I would feel right at home with this Desert Storm film. It takes place right when I was in high school. Right after I took ROTC class, which was right after I loved Rambo movies, which was in Jr High, which, naturally, is where I learned to hate. Hey speaking of hate, I hated this movie! Man! I mean, there were bright spots but jeez louise! The worst part is that it was full of great actors playing interesting characters doing JACK SQUAT! I am a fan of Jake Gyllenhaal, but I just couldn’t take another second of his big depressed eyes searching the empty desert. Cripes! By the time he sees combat and wets himself, I’m thinking “Good idea! I should throw a wiz myself.” But I didn’t. I stayed in that theater watching these bored soldiers wait to see some action – while I waited to see some freaking action! Seriously, I had to pee. I’m not kidding, Matt and I shared a HUGE Pepsi w/ refill (as friends) and I was in PAIN near the end. Oh man, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I had to crawl over my seat in the dark whispering for the medic. Then I remembered there wasn’t a medic. I wasn’t “In the suck”. That’s what the troops called the Gulf War, being in the suck. Well I sat through most of this movie and I think I can relate. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. It says it right on the poster “Welcome To The Suck”. By the way, I should get a Purple Heart for my bladder infection and for limping all the way upstairs to the latrine without wetting my gym shoes. I was, however, rewarded with an honorable discharge… for about 2 minutes straight. Ouch.

Big thanks to my pal, Roger! A true gentleman. He bought me dinner and a movie and didn’t even try to grab my boobies! That would, of course, be sexual harassment. Hey! Speaking of sexual harassment, we saw NORTH COUNTRY! A powerful film based on the true story of the first class action sexual harassment lawsuit. My 2nd favorite South African, Charlize Theron, turns in a tremendous performance, as miner (and mother of 2), Josey Aimes, that will likely garner her Oscar gold… again. In the first minutes of the story, we learn that Josey is in a routinely abusive marriage. Routine, as in “places everyone” routine. It reminded me of when my Step-Monster would get drunk and violent and my mom would get drunk and stupid. My sister and I knew where to go hide. I really wished I knew Kung-Fu so I could cast that drunk idiot out of our house (and life). Hey! Speaking of cast, the cast is ridiculously talented: Sissy Spacek (the original Coal Miner’s daughter), Frances McDormand (using a toned down version of her Fargo accent), Sean Bean (Boromir in plaid!) and Woody Harrelson (White men can ACT!). The story takes place in the bleak frozen tundra of northern Minnesota. Man was it BLEAK! Bleakity bleak bleak! Director, Niki Caro, did one heck of a job, don’cha know, making me feel how utterly dependent these folk were. The mine was pretty much the only way to make a living out there. Unless you were the Abominable Snowman and he got paid in reindeer scat. Bleak! Anyhoo, the film does get a little sappy-court-room-victory at the end, but I guess it’s to be expected. It’s a drama and they did win. I really learned a lot about harassment and I now have 3 suits pending against Jeff Hatfield. He’s the guy that makes all these sweet movie posters for me. While, technically, he does the work for free, I pay for it with my dignity, 10 fold. You should see how he undresses me with his one good eye: CREEPY! Seriously, it freaks me out. Not enough to stop mashing my face into movie posters, though. I guess I’ll learn to live with “dirty time”. My eyes are up here, Jeff! I did NOT hate this movie!

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