Where to begin. Um. This was a tough film to sit through. That lifestyle makes me sick. That’s right: I hate cowboys. Riding around on horses acting all tough. You ain’t tough! OK, back to the movie. There are already factions lining up to freak out about issues and things. It’s like when The Passion came out and some Christians thought it was the 2nd coming and some Jews got all Meshugge. That’s Yiddish, people! Try to keep up. What’s the problem? Well, it depends who you ask. Folk who like to keep their gay comfort level at or below, say, Will and Grace will have a hard time with this film. On the other hand, some might see this film and think to themselves, “OK, I see the cowboy, but where’s the Indian chief and the rest of the Village People? Hello!? I thought you said this movie was gay, sister! Driver! My VW Beetle!” The truth is that Ang Lee made a moving, beautifully shot film with powerful performances. Heath Ledger will likely win an Oscar. But, the truth ALSO is that people aren’t comfortable with everything. Especially private everythings. Nor should they be. To be honest, I was pretty uncomfortable with some of the stuff. That doesn’t make me hateful or intolerant or ignorant OR secretly gay, Frank. I didn’t return from my trip to Brokeback Mountain with the 10 commandments OR a boyfriend. A bit about the story… In Wyoming, 1963, a couple guys get a job tending sheep on Brokeback Mountain. They become pals. And after a night of drinking around the campfire, there is some, ahem, “tent-imacy”. Universal theme alert: I’m pretty sure most of us were conceived after a long night of drinking. After years apart, trying to live “normal” lives they meet up again for monthly fishing trips to Brokeback. They are not strong fishermen. They decide to employ a “What happens on Brokeback, stays on Brokeback” policy but like most secret lives, they are revealed on an episode of Jerry Springer. OK, no Springer, but there is PLENTY of collateral damage. Wives, kids, jobs. I’ll say this: If you and Marty McFly build a gay time machine, DO NOT set it for Wyoming, 1963. Word to the wise, doc. I want to say thanks to my pal, Roger, for the screening. Some may be surprised to know that Roger and I are pals seeing as how I’m an evangelical and he’s of a different lifestyle. No, thankfully, not a cowboy. I can’t say I hated this film, but I do hate cowboys. Did I say that already? I just want to make sure I communicate how much I hate cowboys.

Firstly, writer/director, Stephen Gaghan is THE MAN! He wrote Traffic too. That dude knows how to keep track of stuff! In Syriana, Gaghan, jostles us through 4 or 5 sides of the same coin. What coin has 4 or 5 sides, you ask? That’s not the point! It’s an expression, you perfectionist! I didn’t go to college, OK! There, now everybody knows. Man!
OK, so you start with this crazy good script and then you get this cast! Awesome! Kevin Grose came with me to this screening and pointed out that he couldn’t find like 8 or 9 of the Oceans 11. There was only, like, Oceans 2 or something. Matt Damon was terrific. Amanda Peet, who I usually want to shake, did a superb job. My favorite performance: George Clooney! He was all the way great in this! Clooney got almost Chris Mundell chubby to become this frumpy CIA soldier. That’s method acting, baby!
I love movies that keep you guessing AND on the edge of your seat. Syriana didn’t disappoint. I never felt like I could anticipate the next move. This film had confidence in the audience’s ability to keep up. Unlike ABC’s Alias after season 2. Man, they dumbed it WAY down to appeal to some imaginary idiots. Meanwhile, all of us geeks are wondering who neutered our show.
Back to Syriana… What IS Syriana? It’s a phrase describing an imaginary country who’s borders make up the most oil rich area in the middle east. The area is currently within the borders of Iraq, Iran and maybe one of the stans? Turkmenistan? Or maybe Wisconsin? Remember the part about me and college. Oooo! Speaking of Arabs, this film used actual Arab folk to play actual Arab folk (for the most part). How refreshing! Hollywood hasn’t done a great job with that in the past. Who can forget Jambi, the head-in-a-box genie from PeeWee’s Playhouse? White dude, you guys! I know, OUTRAGE! Google it if you don’t believe me.
I did NOT hate Syriana!

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CM.com Webmaster, Matt Steele, and I checked out a digitally projected Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Hey, speaking of fire, some yahoo tripped the fire alarm in the theater so we all had to clear out, postponing the start of our beloved previews. I suspect it was that robe wearing little freak a couple rows back chanting “Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!”, but I can’t be sure. Come to think of it, he did give me a “Keep walkin’, you F’n Muggle trash!” look. I would have thrown an “Aguamenti!” back at him, but I didn’t have my wand and I am, after all, f’n Muggle trash. So, after our little experiment in mob rule, the movie got started. In this, the 4th installment in the Harry Potter film series, we find the kids from Hogwarts 90210 all growed up. It’s true. Horny Potter, Hormone-y Granger and company are more than a little distracted from their studies. It made perfect sense, then, when I learned the real title was “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in his Pants” but they just shortened it to fit on the poster. The title, not his pants. Good call. The highlight for me was Brendan Gleeson as Alastor ‘Mad­Eye’ Moody. He was funny and provided a welcomed Han Solo vibe to the cast. And that’s pretty much where I get off the Hogwarts Express, right at Deja Vu (Haven’t I Seen You?) Station. For those keeping track, it’s somewhere between King’s Cross Station and Hogsmeade. I mean, if you are going to make a 4th movie you have GOT to bring something new to the table! And Ron Weasley saying “Bloody Hell” 6 times doesn’t cut it (we counted). The only noticeable difference in the story is the afore mentioned puberty parade. It was like 16 Candles, but without Farmer Ted. Which is only, like, 8 candles. And I don’t want to hear any weak, George Lucas prequel, excuses either. “They’re supposed to be like an old Saturday morning tv show.” NO, George! They are huge, long, expensive movies! Star Wars (ep iv) changed our lives, George!!! The Phantom Menace couldn’t change channels! I tried! You’re not the boss of me!! I hate you! Please make more Star Wars movies, baby? Oh gross. I’m sorry you had to see that. I just had a fight with my geek pimp. He treats me so bad but I just can’t leave him. Did I hate Harry Potter 3, er… 1, wait… 4? No, I guess I didn’t. The truth is, it was a well made adaptation of what I hear was a good book. I wouldn’t know as I won’t read any Potter books until J.K. Rowling gives a big chunk of her trillions to the Tolkein Estate. It’s only fair, you thief. Without Olorin, Maiar of Manwe and Varda there would be no Albus Dumbledore, beooooch!