CM.com Webmaster, Matt Steele, and I checked out a digitally projected Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Hey, speaking of fire, some yahoo tripped the fire alarm in the theater so we all had to clear out, postponing the start of our beloved previews. I suspect it was that robe wearing little freak a couple rows back chanting “Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!”, but I can’t be sure. Come to think of it, he did give me a “Keep walkin’, you F’n Muggle trash!” look. I would have thrown an “Aguamenti!” back at him, but I didn’t have my wand and I am, after all, f’n Muggle trash. So, after our little experiment in mob rule, the movie got started. In this, the 4th installment in the Harry Potter film series, we find the kids from Hogwarts 90210 all growed up. It’s true. Horny Potter, Hormone-y Granger and company are more than a little distracted from their studies. It made perfect sense, then, when I learned the real title was “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in his Pants” but they just shortened it to fit on the poster. The title, not his pants. Good call. The highlight for me was Brendan Gleeson as Alastor ‘Mad­Eye’ Moody. He was funny and provided a welcomed Han Solo vibe to the cast. And that’s pretty much where I get off the Hogwarts Express, right at Deja Vu (Haven’t I Seen You?) Station. For those keeping track, it’s somewhere between King’s Cross Station and Hogsmeade. I mean, if you are going to make a 4th movie you have GOT to bring something new to the table! And Ron Weasley saying “Bloody Hell” 6 times doesn’t cut it (we counted). The only noticeable difference in the story is the afore mentioned puberty parade. It was like 16 Candles, but without Farmer Ted. Which is only, like, 8 candles. And I don’t want to hear any weak, George Lucas prequel, excuses either. “They’re supposed to be like an old Saturday morning tv show.” NO, George! They are huge, long, expensive movies! Star Wars (ep iv) changed our lives, George!!! The Phantom Menace couldn’t change channels! I tried! You’re not the boss of me!! I hate you! Please make more Star Wars movies, baby? Oh gross. I’m sorry you had to see that. I just had a fight with my geek pimp. He treats me so bad but I just can’t leave him. Did I hate Harry Potter 3, er… 1, wait… 4? No, I guess I didn’t. The truth is, it was a well made adaptation of what I hear was a good book. I wouldn’t know as I won’t read any Potter books until J.K. Rowling gives a big chunk of her trillions to the Tolkein Estate. It’s only fair, you thief. Without Olorin, Maiar of Manwe and Varda there would be no Albus Dumbledore, beooooch!