Employee Of The Month

Here’s how it happened:

I was on a business trip in Phoenix, Arizona (Hoozdo, or “the place is hot”, to the Navajo). I was alone. So alone. So I did what any self respecting, overweight, ok, not so self respecting, more like self loathing, guy would do. I went to 2 movies in a row. Hey, it beats a strip club.*

Honestly, I haven’t done a double feature since I was 13 or 9 or something. What were the “chocolate and peanut butter” of this delicious experiment? Why, it was Jessica Simpson’s Employee of the Month and Martin Scorsese’s The Departed, starring $4billion worth of great actors. A bit lopsided, I admit, but on with the write up!
First up, on Isle 7, next to the bulk pack of “What was I thinking?”, Employee of the Month! A tale of love and honor in a Super Club (aka Costco). OK, sure, the concept alone should have warned me of a nasty spill on Isle 7, but Dane Cook is crazy funny and the supporting cast looked OK.

The bummer is that Dane Cook was neither as crazy nor funny as he usually is. I guess this was his stab at the romantic comedy. I think I hated this movie for under-using Dane Cook. But alas, I was alone. So alone.

The big question this movie posed for me was, “What will, pop singer, Jessica Simpson bring to the table?” The answer: Her ginormous boobs. On the table. Two boobs peeking out at me and working from a completely different script.

Right Boob: “No way! Check out this movie set! It looks just like a big Costco!”
Left Boob: “That’s because we’re shooting our movie in a big Costco.”
RB: “We’re in a movie!?!”
LB: “Idiot. Remember the insurance papers? Now, settle down, you’re sweating”
RB: “I thought that was just an autograph.”
LB: “You stupid tit! You should never sign anything without reading it or having your attorney check it out.”
RB: “HAHAHAHAHA! A boob lawyer? No such thing! What would he do, keep me ABREAST of my business affairs? Who’s stupid now?
LB: “No, I mean Jessica’s lawyer, you waste of glands.”
RB “I just lactated! Dane Cook is staring at us!!!”
LB: “Everyone stares at us.”
Areola: “No fair, you guys! I wanna see Dane Cook!!”
LB: “Forget it! You so much as peek and we lose the PG-13!”
Areola: “Dang! Who came up with that stupid PG-13 anyway? Probably some corporate goof who knows nothing about movies!”
LB: “Steven Spielberg. Violent scenes in his 1984 PG-rated films Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which Spielberg directed and Gremlins, which he produced caused a public outcry that led Spielberg to suggest a new PG-13 rating to MPAA president Jack Valenti.”
Areola: “oh.”
RB: “Left Boob is smart.”

Sadly, that boob conversation might be funnier than the movie. I wanted to cancel my Costco membership until I remembered how alone I was. Then I was thankful to at least sit through 2 movies (3 if you count the boobies).
*Based on comparison of total dollars spent per hour of entertainment, multiplied by percentage of chance that activity would end marriage and ruin children’s future self esteem, divided by God said don’t put dollars there.