300

If I heard that hundreds of thousands of freaks were on their way to destroy all my people and stuff, I’m not sure that I would choose to ask 300 of my friends in naught but their fruit slings and red capes to join me in battle. Then again, I’m not a Spartan king.

Apparently, a Spartan king DID do something like that. This is the context of Frank Miller’s graphic novel 300, brought to the big screen by Zack Snyder. It’s the tale of King Leonidas, a courageous warrior king and also, apparently, nucking futs because them ain’t good odds. But what do I know of war and bravery? I’m afraid to go to the movies by myself. Fortunately, I had Kevin Grose, Roger and DJ Paladino to help me through the scary parts. We had a lovely dinner at Taffy’s afterward to discuss the nuances of decapitation and how much blood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck like a war crazy Spartan juggernaut. As you have probably heard, this film is quite violent. I recall Conan The Barbarian being more violent. Of course, I was only 11 when that came out and the Governator was still just little ol’ movie actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I misspoke earlier when I referred to the wearing of fruit slings because, according to historians, these guys did battle sans le pants, trouser-free, arse naked. It makes sense, Speedo’s weren’t invented until Nineteen Fourteen and leather Speedo’s weren’t invented until, like, Nineteen Gay-ty Two.
Another historical inaccuracy, the 300 weren’t alone. They were joined by 700 or so Athenians in the Battle of Thermopylae. So, I guess that answers a question posed to me years ago by Greek scholar, Tim Freet, “Εάν η Περσία επρόκειτο να επιτεθεί σε Sparta από το οπίσθιο τμήμα, η Ελλάδα θα βοηθούσε;”

I didn’t hate 300, but you just might if you aren’t used to hyper-violent video games and graphic imagery including some pre-battle king on queen sexy time. Kevin covered my eyes.

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