Matt Steele and I went and saw The Chronicles of Narnia – (TCONTLTWATW). The Lion, The Witch and The WardrobeIt’s one of the only movies this year with a longer name than The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous AND The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Sheesh! With titles this long we might as well read the book. I almost didn’t make it on time as I was detained by one of Santa Barbara County’s finest. No, not Oprah. A cop. You see, I rolled through a yield sign RIGHT in front of a Sheriff. After giving him my license, I couldn’t produce my proof of insurance or current registration (expired the day before). I’d like to thank Aslan for the Deep Magic that he used when the Sheriff let me off with a warning! Sweet! Oprah wouldn’t have let me off with a warning. She would’ve radio’d Dr. Phil McKrackin for backup. Matt and I had a bad taste in our mouths about this movie, at first, due to the hobo sitting behind us floating such a stink that we had a bad taste in our mouths… about this movie… at first. Seriously, it smelled like old beer and smokes wrapped in horse. Not a talking horse. A regular stinky one. Now back to TCONTLTWATW. I first read the book in high school. It was for a Children’s Lit class so I didn’t pay it much attention. I blame Frank. He was in the class with me, making me laugh all the time. Stupid Frank. Later on I decided to read through all of TCON. I loved them. They were fun and I didn’t mind the Christian allegory as I actually like Jesus. There has been some complaining about the film being “too Christian” but we never heard the word Jesus once. Well, ok, once from this lady behind us after some knuckleface up front set his wine bottle or bowling ball down on the concrete twice. But, I don’t think that lady was being religious. I thought the way Lewis wrote Aslan was terrific. I always felt sense of awe when reading about him. And that’s really where this movie failed my geek standard. I didn’t feel it. I wanted to blame the CGI effects but I think it’s the story telling. After a well placed lion roar in a fireplace, at the beginning, we never see any hint of the lion until he walks out of his tent. Oh by the way, Kevin nailed it when he called Aslan’s camp a Renaissance Fair. Silly. So, out walks the lion and I hear geek issue #2: Liam Neeson. I love the guy but he’s been in EVERYTHING lately. Way too familiar. This lion is talking and I’m thinking “Do what Qui Gon Jinn says, kids. He’s a wise Jedi master. And if he can teach Batman to be a ninja, he deserves your respect. Plus, if he puts you on his list, he’ll save you from the holocaust.” I might be nit picking but we can’t just leave those nits in there. We gotta pick ‘em. So those are really my 2 main problems. Now, to the stuff I loved! The kids were awesome, well cast and they played their parts pretty spot on. Lucy (Georgie Henley) was my favorite. Seeing her walking into Narnia was magical. Tilda Swindon played the Witch quite well. It was fun to see Kiran Shah as her dwarf. He’s paid serious dues as a stand-in for Merry the Hobbit in all 127 hours of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Oh, speaking of LOTR, it’s well known that Lewis and Tolkein were pals and shared these stories together. So, I’m ok with this production having so much in common with LOTR. It feels kind of appropriate. While TCONTLTWATW had some problems, I DID NOT HATE IT. I’m glad it was made and Prince Caspian or TCONPC is underway. Merry Christmas everybody!

Sometimes my life rules. Not so much in the beginning, what with the drunk, violent parents and their hankering for smack, but later on in life. Like on Monday night, for instance, when I got to see Peter Jackson‘s KING KONG a week before it’s released!!! That’s right, me (in a huge theater full of press) and the great ape with a little get together before he crushes theaters this Kwanzaa!
We met up with Stephanie from, future CM.com publicist, Carol Marshall PR. It was a bit nerve wracking at first when my movie buddy, Roger, didn’t find his name on “the list”. But a phone call to the right exec, and we were in like Regis Philbin. After checking the cell phones and going through the Israeli security check point, there it was welcoming us in… The table of free JUMBO POPCORN AND GINORMOUS COKE!!! You may recall my near emergency at the Jarhead screening involving a large coke and my almost soaking my jockeys and socks. Well, I made it through 3 hours of King Kong without incident. Super bladder.
There have been some who claim that the 3 hour playing time is too long. Whoever said that has a pathological over-estimation of the value of his own time. Or a tiny bladder. And you know what they say about guys with tiny bladders… The same guy probably spent a good 37 minutes trying to perfect his combover. That’s a mathematical impossibility, by the way. It cannot be. Just like when someone asks where to get “good Indian food”. The answer is “Nowhere, sir. Now, would you move your bad combover, I’m trying to watch the last 37 minutes of King Kong.”
For those of you that watch Mtv’s Laguna Beach religiously, King Kong was a movie released March 2, 1933. Oh, and 1933 was a year from, like, the calendar a long, long time ago. Not as old as dinosaurs though. Speaking of dinosaurs, there are dinosaurs-a-plenty in PJ’s King Kong! Imagine if you put Jurassic Park 1 thru 4 in de coconut and shake it all up. You’d be getting close to the prehistoric parade that is PJ’s King Kong. Yes, I know there isn’t a Jurassic Park 4 yet. But there will be. And it won’t compare. Oh, Laguna Beach side bar, I think L.C. should totally ditch Stephen. Every time he comes back to town he is such a tease. Who needs the mind games?
When the original King Kong came out it was a huge deal. Why? Well, the hot ticket prior to Kong was the Lone Ranger… on the radio. I’m not saying that this Kong film makes THAT much of a leap, but it does raise the proverbial filmmaking bar.
Now is the part of my write up where I use every Kong/ape pun I can think of while I gush over the living proof that God loves geeks: Peter Jackson.
Peter Jackson’s King Kong is Kong-tastic!! Apert and Rope-ape give Kong 4 opposable thumbs up! Way up! A KONG sized adventure! Did somebody say multiple Ape-cademy Awards!?!
I did NOT hate this movie, my people! I need to see it again. There is so much to take in. I actually got dizzy watching Kong on the Empire State building. Naomi Watts is incredible as Ann Darrow and she really is the emotional heart of the film. The CGI Kong is pretty breathtaking. That computerized ape can act!
Big thanks to Roger for the fun trip! You can check out his review over at The Independent (www.independent.com) starting Friday, Dec 9.

Where to begin. Um. This was a tough film to sit through. That lifestyle makes me sick. That’s right: I hate cowboys. Riding around on horses acting all tough. You ain’t tough! OK, back to the movie. There are already factions lining up to freak out about issues and things. It’s like when The Passion came out and some Christians thought it was the 2nd coming and some Jews got all Meshugge. That’s Yiddish, people! Try to keep up. What’s the problem? Well, it depends who you ask. Folk who like to keep their gay comfort level at or below, say, Will and Grace will have a hard time with this film. On the other hand, some might see this film and think to themselves, “OK, I see the cowboy, but where’s the Indian chief and the rest of the Village People? Hello!? I thought you said this movie was gay, sister! Driver! My VW Beetle!” The truth is that Ang Lee made a moving, beautifully shot film with powerful performances. Heath Ledger will likely win an Oscar. But, the truth ALSO is that people aren’t comfortable with everything. Especially private everythings. Nor should they be. To be honest, I was pretty uncomfortable with some of the stuff. That doesn’t make me hateful or intolerant or ignorant OR secretly gay, Frank. I didn’t return from my trip to Brokeback Mountain with the 10 commandments OR a boyfriend. A bit about the story… In Wyoming, 1963, a couple guys get a job tending sheep on Brokeback Mountain. They become pals. And after a night of drinking around the campfire, there is some, ahem, “tent-imacy”. Universal theme alert: I’m pretty sure most of us were conceived after a long night of drinking. After years apart, trying to live “normal” lives they meet up again for monthly fishing trips to Brokeback. They are not strong fishermen. They decide to employ a “What happens on Brokeback, stays on Brokeback” policy but like most secret lives, they are revealed on an episode of Jerry Springer. OK, no Springer, but there is PLENTY of collateral damage. Wives, kids, jobs. I’ll say this: If you and Marty McFly build a gay time machine, DO NOT set it for Wyoming, 1963. Word to the wise, doc. I want to say thanks to my pal, Roger, for the screening. Some may be surprised to know that Roger and I are pals seeing as how I’m an evangelical and he’s of a different lifestyle. No, thankfully, not a cowboy. I can’t say I hated this film, but I do hate cowboys. Did I say that already? I just want to make sure I communicate how much I hate cowboys.

Firstly, writer/director, Stephen Gaghan is THE MAN! He wrote Traffic too. That dude knows how to keep track of stuff! In Syriana, Gaghan, jostles us through 4 or 5 sides of the same coin. What coin has 4 or 5 sides, you ask? That’s not the point! It’s an expression, you perfectionist! I didn’t go to college, OK! There, now everybody knows. Man!
OK, so you start with this crazy good script and then you get this cast! Awesome! Kevin Grose came with me to this screening and pointed out that he couldn’t find like 8 or 9 of the Oceans 11. There was only, like, Oceans 2 or something. Matt Damon was terrific. Amanda Peet, who I usually want to shake, did a superb job. My favorite performance: George Clooney! He was all the way great in this! Clooney got almost Chris Mundell chubby to become this frumpy CIA soldier. That’s method acting, baby!
I love movies that keep you guessing AND on the edge of your seat. Syriana didn’t disappoint. I never felt like I could anticipate the next move. This film had confidence in the audience’s ability to keep up. Unlike ABC’s Alias after season 2. Man, they dumbed it WAY down to appeal to some imaginary idiots. Meanwhile, all of us geeks are wondering who neutered our show.
Back to Syriana… What IS Syriana? It’s a phrase describing an imaginary country who’s borders make up the most oil rich area in the middle east. The area is currently within the borders of Iraq, Iran and maybe one of the stans? Turkmenistan? Or maybe Wisconsin? Remember the part about me and college. Oooo! Speaking of Arabs, this film used actual Arab folk to play actual Arab folk (for the most part). How refreshing! Hollywood hasn’t done a great job with that in the past. Who can forget Jambi, the head-in-a-box genie from PeeWee’s Playhouse? White dude, you guys! I know, OUTRAGE! Google it if you don’t believe me.
I did NOT hate Syriana!

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CM.com Webmaster, Matt Steele, and I checked out a digitally projected Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Hey, speaking of fire, some yahoo tripped the fire alarm in the theater so we all had to clear out, postponing the start of our beloved previews. I suspect it was that robe wearing little freak a couple rows back chanting “Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!”, but I can’t be sure. Come to think of it, he did give me a “Keep walkin’, you F’n Muggle trash!” look. I would have thrown an “Aguamenti!” back at him, but I didn’t have my wand and I am, after all, f’n Muggle trash. So, after our little experiment in mob rule, the movie got started. In this, the 4th installment in the Harry Potter film series, we find the kids from Hogwarts 90210 all growed up. It’s true. Horny Potter, Hormone-y Granger and company are more than a little distracted from their studies. It made perfect sense, then, when I learned the real title was “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in his Pants” but they just shortened it to fit on the poster. The title, not his pants. Good call. The highlight for me was Brendan Gleeson as Alastor ‘Mad­Eye’ Moody. He was funny and provided a welcomed Han Solo vibe to the cast. And that’s pretty much where I get off the Hogwarts Express, right at Deja Vu (Haven’t I Seen You?) Station. For those keeping track, it’s somewhere between King’s Cross Station and Hogsmeade. I mean, if you are going to make a 4th movie you have GOT to bring something new to the table! And Ron Weasley saying “Bloody Hell” 6 times doesn’t cut it (we counted). The only noticeable difference in the story is the afore mentioned puberty parade. It was like 16 Candles, but without Farmer Ted. Which is only, like, 8 candles. And I don’t want to hear any weak, George Lucas prequel, excuses either. “They’re supposed to be like an old Saturday morning tv show.” NO, George! They are huge, long, expensive movies! Star Wars (ep iv) changed our lives, George!!! The Phantom Menace couldn’t change channels! I tried! You’re not the boss of me!! I hate you! Please make more Star Wars movies, baby? Oh gross. I’m sorry you had to see that. I just had a fight with my geek pimp. He treats me so bad but I just can’t leave him. Did I hate Harry Potter 3, er… 1, wait… 4? No, I guess I didn’t. The truth is, it was a well made adaptation of what I hear was a good book. I wouldn’t know as I won’t read any Potter books until J.K. Rowling gives a big chunk of her trillions to the Tolkein Estate. It’s only fair, you thief. Without Olorin, Maiar of Manwe and Varda there would be no Albus Dumbledore, beooooch!

Once again, Roger shows why he is often my current best friend. He got me in to a screening of Sam Mendes’ JARHEAD! And this time I got to bring CM.com webmaster, Matt Steele! WooHoo!! OK, now to the movie… I thought I would feel right at home with this Desert Storm film. It takes place right when I was in high school. Right after I took ROTC class, which was right after I loved Rambo movies, which was in Jr High, which, naturally, is where I learned to hate. Hey speaking of hate, I hated this movie! Man! I mean, there were bright spots but jeez louise! The worst part is that it was full of great actors playing interesting characters doing JACK SQUAT! I am a fan of Jake Gyllenhaal, but I just couldn’t take another second of his big depressed eyes searching the empty desert. Cripes! By the time he sees combat and wets himself, I’m thinking “Good idea! I should throw a wiz myself.” But I didn’t. I stayed in that theater watching these bored soldiers wait to see some action – while I waited to see some freaking action! Seriously, I had to pee. I’m not kidding, Matt and I shared a HUGE Pepsi w/ refill (as friends) and I was in PAIN near the end. Oh man, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I had to crawl over my seat in the dark whispering for the medic. Then I remembered there wasn’t a medic. I wasn’t “In the suck”. That’s what the troops called the Gulf War, being in the suck. Well I sat through most of this movie and I think I can relate. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. It says it right on the poster “Welcome To The Suck”. By the way, I should get a Purple Heart for my bladder infection and for limping all the way upstairs to the latrine without wetting my gym shoes. I was, however, rewarded with an honorable discharge… for about 2 minutes straight. Ouch.