Big thanks to my pal, Roger! A true gentleman. He bought me dinner and a movie and didn’t even try to grab my boobies! That would, of course, be sexual harassment. Hey! Speaking of sexual harassment, we saw NORTH COUNTRY! A powerful film based on the true story of the first class action sexual harassment lawsuit. My 2nd favorite South African, Charlize Theron, turns in a tremendous performance, as miner (and mother of 2), Josey Aimes, that will likely garner her Oscar gold… again. In the first minutes of the story, we learn that Josey is in a routinely abusive marriage. Routine, as in “places everyone” routine. It reminded me of when my Step-Monster would get drunk and violent and my mom would get drunk and stupid. My sister and I knew where to go hide. I really wished I knew Kung-Fu so I could cast that drunk idiot out of our house (and life). Hey! Speaking of cast, the cast is ridiculously talented: Sissy Spacek (the original Coal Miner’s daughter), Frances McDormand (using a toned down version of her Fargo accent), Sean Bean (Boromir in plaid!) and Woody Harrelson (White men can ACT!). The story takes place in the bleak frozen tundra of northern Minnesota. Man was it BLEAK! Bleakity bleak bleak! Director, Niki Caro, did one heck of a job, don’cha know, making me feel how utterly dependent these folk were. The mine was pretty much the only way to make a living out there. Unless you were the Abominable Snowman and he got paid in reindeer scat. Bleak! Anyhoo, the film does get a little sappy-court-room-victory at the end, but I guess it’s to be expected. It’s a drama and they did win. I really learned a lot about harassment and I now have 3 suits pending against Jeff Hatfield. He’s the guy that makes all these sweet movie posters for me. While, technically, he does the work for free, I pay for it with my dignity, 10 fold. You should see how he undresses me with his one good eye: CREEPY! Seriously, it freaks me out. Not enough to stop mashing my face into movie posters, though. I guess I’ll learn to live with “dirty time”. My eyes are up here, Jeff! I did NOT hate this movie!

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I just got back from a screening of A History Of Violence, starring Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello. They are both fantastic in this film. The stand out performance to me was William Hurt and he’s only in it for a short time. Man, was he funny! I am obviously a huge Viggo fan from his Lord of the Rings films and stuff, but I didn’t want to see this just to catch a glimpse of his naked poopshoot (although, I did see it. Jealous?). I heard good buzz on this film. I heard it was real gritty with the violence. I was bracing myself for some Monty Python’s Holy Grail type stuff with the lopping off of limbs and whatnot. But, director, David Cronenberg went for reality on this one. Not gore, just “Here’s what you get if you should decide to take a coffee pot to some guys face.” The violence isn’t the focus of the film, it’s a context for the great character work. This is a live by the severed carotid artery, die by the severed carotid artery kind of story. It’s about choices and how they effect us and our loved ones. I, for instance, have now decided to stay away from angering anyone associated with the mob. It’s just a personal pledge. I’m not telling you how to live. If you can stomach some dealing out death and some “oh, um, they don’t see me sitting right here. Oh, that’s private!” love making between, married, consenting, adults, then you will get to enjoy a powerful film by an exceptional group of filmmakers. I did NOT hate this movie (for fear of being wacked)!

Sex is overrated. It really is. It is also insane. How can something be so personal, SO public and so utterly defining all at the same time? As a guy, from about 5th or 6th grade, sex is a curious little train stop about a quarter mile ahead and you are a Japanese Bullet Train with no brakes. Some of us fix those brakes, learn the beauty of the journey and wait for that one special stop. Some of us jerk the train right off the track and smash the hell out of every poor little train stop up the coast. But some never stop at all. They just keep cruising along. The longer they do, the more we marvel. “How can that Japanese Bullet Tr… AAAARRRRGGHH! I’m stuck in metaphor hell!!!!! This movie is about a virgin. The fact that he makes it through 40 years of life “without” is, in our culture, tantamount to finding some aged WWII soldier living in a jungle on Guam still gunnin fer japs. “No way! How’d that happen!?!” The truth is, there are plenty of sex free citizens on earth. But that’s not funny. The 40 Year Old Virgin IS funny! So funny! Now, it is a raunchy film at times. But, if you’re like me and you were raised by a television, you will hardly notice ALL the naughty language and imagery zooming through your head and you will see a charming tale of the benefits (yes, I said benefits) of a sex free life. Further, you will learn the beauty of saving yourself for that one special person. I’m not saying this film extols the virtues of the covenant of marriage as set forth by our Creator, but it gets at that truth through a side door. The cast is near perfect. Judd Apatow and Steve Carell wrote a terrrific film. Steve Carell should be in most movies. He’s insane. Like sex. I did NOT hate it!

Man! Pimps and Ho’s never looked so, well, pimpish and ho’ish?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting old. The street life doesn’t have the same magical appeal that it once had for me. You know, like The Sopranos or Colors or Punky Brewster? Hustle and Flow shows the gritty side of street life. The story follows street pimp, D Jay, as he struggles to make more of his life through music. Although some of you wouldn’t call hip-hop music, I would and I will pimp slap you in front of your kids and say it to your face, beeeoooheeeoch! Hold on, sorry. I got a little hard core there. OK, I’m back. Forgive me. Don’t look for DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince here. There is no one getting jiggy with anything in this film. The vibe is strictly Dirty South Memphis Style Crunk Hip-Hop. Crunk is a word that black people started using a while back. It’s just about made it’s way into the white vernacular so expect it to die of over use by Thanksgiving. Stay tuned for a new cool word from the black community any day now. This film was well acted for sure. The language is a bit much for the general viewing audience. I didn’t hate this movie, but I didn’t love it either. Even if I did hate it, I wouldn’t type it out on my website as I would be afraid of getting pimp slapped myself. Now go get me my money, ho!

I finally broke down and saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith starring the uncomfortably handsome Brad Pitt and Angelina Parker Bowels. I went into this thing curious about the chemistry between the lead actors since I thought I’d heard somewhere that they may like each other for reals. Holy Crap! I’d wipe with a People Magazine if it wasn’t so glossy (you see, it’s not as effective as TP when it’s glossy… and then there are the staples… ouch). At least this wasn’t Gili! That fact alone kept this film on my want to see list. Anyhoo, Brad Pitt is pretty good in most stuff and this is no exception. I thought he was great in Fight Club. Oh by the way, some character in the film wore a Fight Club t-shirt. Ridiculous. Why would, director, Doug Liman do that? Was it supposed to be funny or cute or fute? All the shirt did for me was say “Ahem, you are NOT watching Fight Club. Remember Fight Club where Brad Pitt gets in all those fights and he says don’t talk about fight club? Man! Fight Club ruled!” Then I’m like “Shut up, shirt from another Brad Pitt movie! I’m watching THIS Brad Pitt movie! But, yeah, Fight Club did rule. You’re lucky to be a Fight Club shirt. You could have been a Gili shirt.” New subject, I have an issue with Ms. Jolie: I think she’s talented BUT I can’t see her anymore without replaying that nasty-ass red carpet episode at Mtv’s “Best of all Mtv Awards Shows” Show when she and her then husband/legal guardian Billy Bob just glommed onto each other as if the plane was going down and they had T-Minus 6 minutes to get pregnant. ICK! She just freaks me out now. It’s like she knows a secret and she won’t tell me. Like she knows a whole gaggle of secrets and she’s just hiding them in those puffy lips on her face. Tell us the secret, you temptress!!! Fine. Keep your secrets. This film was good times. Doug Liman also directed The Bourne Identity so he knows action. He was not invited to direct the sequel on account of his rubbing EVERYONE the wrong way. Not sure exactly what happened. I’m sure Angelina has the answer stuffed in those innertubes. I will say that I did NOT hate this movie BUT I would have not hated it even more if there wasn’t so much extracurricular drama surrounding the actors. I feel bad for Rachel. I hope Phoebe and Joey can cheer her up. Ross will just confuse things. I mean they have Emma to think about. Selfish idiots.