Never Say Never

When I was a kid, I had a Shaun Cassidy t-shirt. He was my favorite on the Hardy Boys and he also sang Da Do Run Run. There is now a feverish clamoring in the world that giggles at Shaun Cassidy fever and even rivals Beatle-mania. Nay, it’s is more fevorish. How many more fevorish? I don’t know, 8 more fevorish? The clamoring for Justin Bieber is 8 more fevorish that the clamoring for the Beatles. Can I prove that? No. Am I a scientist? No. I don’t have time for experiments. I can barely update this website!

This kid came out of nowhere (Canada) and is this HUGE entertainment force as if ushered forth from Isengard, no longer fearing the light of day. He is the Uruk-Hai of the music biz. Speaking of being ushered, the singer, Usher, played a role in getting Justin’s career going. I know, who cares? It’s teeny bopper music. The thing is, there are a bajillion crazed Beiber fans out there and I have 2 of them in my house. Having daughters means you have to at least be aware of this stuff and, if you’re not the “total meanest dad EVER”, actually take them to concert films and stuff. And so it was that I braved the rain, packed the kids in the mini-van & prepared to roll my eyes for 2 hours.

Here’s the hard part, it was actually a well made documentary about this kid and this phenomenon. I teared up, I laughed & marveled at the story and Justin Bieber’s talent. Actual talent.

I do have a few issues with this film. It needed to be 3D like I need another saggy man-boob. NOT. NEEDED (Especially in 3D!). I know studios be wantin’ it to get butts in theaters, but come on! Also, after a while, the sheer masses of screening girls got to be too much. I don’t know how Justin deals with it. Ear plugs? Beer plugs?

Though my youngest daughter, Rory, was ready to go home about 10 minutes into the film, I did NOT hate it and the other 2 kids didn’t hate it either.

It could be worse, folks. My kids could be into Lady Gaga. She’s more the Gollum of the music biz.

Iron Man 2

I don’t have any Tony-Stark-like eccentric billionaire buddies but I am bestest buddies with David Malloy and he invited me to see Iron Man 2 on opening night at the Arclight Cinema Dome in LA. The Dome is the perfect place to see a big movie and this was a BIG movie. Iron Man was insanely successful and I loved it so I was looking forward to seeing this sequel.

Due to some family planning (not the baby making kind) I had to get to Burbank via TRAIN! WHAT? They have those? I didn’t know people still rode in them. I thought they were just freight trains with mannequins in the windows. You know, so our kids can wave at them from the beach and we can feel like Americans. Turns out you can actually ride in them and it’s pretty nice, provided you bring noise canceling headphones so you don’t have to hear the Russian kid get to know the Mexican girl in the seat behind you. “What kind of music do you like?” “So, what, um, is your background, ethnically?” “What do you think of the Arizona immigration law?” “I’m Russian.” He didn’t even sound Russian. What a ripoff. He spoke like some punk on Road Rules. I was totally hoping for Yokov Smirnoff. Or better yet, Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2! See how I totally brought that back around to the movie I saw and then completely derailed again by pointing out what I did just now?

Mikey Rourke was awesome as a Russian bad guy! Robert Downey Jr was awesome (again) as Tony Stark! Don Cheadle had a tough job to do in that he was replacing Terrence Howard (Hustle & Flow) as Tony Stark’s buddy, Rhodey. I thought he did a great job. Not sure what happened there. None of my business. OK, fine here. Scarlett Johannson & Sam Jackson filled in nicely as members of S.H.I.E.L.D. Loved Sam Rockwell too! Check out his movie “Moon” on Netflix. Great movie & it’s surprisingly not about hanging your naked arse out at passing trains. There’s people in there, you guys!!


Robin Hood

Out of the clear blue, my friend and Bows-man, Geordie Speak invited me to go see Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood. Also in our merry band: Ben Ewart, Woodsman and deadly with a hockey stick. Ben and I traveled far and joined up with Geordie on the borders of Yogurtland. From there, we traveled east across the street to the theater. Once we purchased our replenishments we made haste for our seats. My cunning and scouting skills were rewarded with three of the finest seats in all the theater!

Our timing was perfect for just as we were seated, the wench began her plea for our business. Making claim to it’s conveniences in her life in Las Vegas where she forgets Hugh Heffner and tends to the needs of the wise Wizard, Criss Angel. After an assortment of funny trailers it was SHOWTIME!

That’s when the math got all screwy. Great director + great actor + insanely great actress = great movie, right? Not right. Unright. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t care about any of the characters for the first quarter of the movie. It picked up a little when we meet Max Van Sydow’s Sir Walter Loxley and we got to see Cate Blanchett and Russell Crowe do some acting together. It’s just that we’ve seen it all before and not in the good way. Since they were telling a “before Robin Hood became Robin Hood” we didn’t get any of the fun Robin Hood stuff. We got hints, but it just wasn’t enough.

I don’t hate anybody involved with this movie, BUT I Did Hate the movie. Sad.

Date Night

The phrase “Date Night” is so neutered and domesticated. It suggests a relationship with a complete lack of adventure and spontaneity. If you ever got married and then (on purpose or by accident) had kids, you know this is exactly the state of things. It’s not a terrible state to be in. That would be (enter worst state name here)!

Honestly, life gets repetitive and somewhat monotonous out of necessity. It’s better for kids to have stability, etc. While that’s better for children raising, you can’t help but look up every once in a while and realize it must be Sunday night because your husband is clipping his toenails while you are watching that show about people addicted to drugs and the families that enable them. Tomorrow we get to watch a Netflix! Yay:/

You might say that this doesn’t describe your life, post kids. You might also have a lying problem where you lie about stuff and facts. It happens to be pretty close to my life with Jade. No, Jade is not the name of my exotic mistress from mysterious lands of the East. She’s my wife. From Missouri (Ooo! Put this up in the first paragraph!!). She actually is a pretty fun lady. It’s just that I didn’t realize that the enthusiasm gland was so close to the mammary gland on a woman (High School Biology). After 3 babies (or nipple dredgers) it’s hard for any mom to muster up much enthusiasm for adventures. I’m no better. I went from Jonny Depp to Jonny Lovitz in that same span of time. The fact is we need a Date Night.

Thankfully, my smart wife planned an outing to see Date Night while on an actual Date Night! (Status Update Comedy Gold!! Wait, what? Someone else already… oh EVERYBODY already thought of that? S#%t.)  We met up with fellow Maritally Narcoleptic pals, the Clarks & the Speakes! What a perfect movie for us and the occasion!

Tina Fey and Steve Carell are so funny together. Go see Date Night on a date night or some other prearranged together time. I Did Not Hate It!

Cop Out

What would happen if you took Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, put ’em in a movie directed by Kevin Smith, sprinkle in almost EVERY buddy-cop movie cliche and shake? I’m not sure. I imagine that would make them quite dizzy. I’m not even sure how you would shake all those things. Whose idea was it to shake? That’s a bad idea. Regardless, Dan Hislop asked some bro’s to join him to go see Cop Out.

My wife has been a HUGE Bruce Willis fan since Moonlighting. I mean she doesn’t have any action figures, but she was totally jealous with her jealousy! I’m sorry, honey, but I have no control over who the Bro’s call on. I too, likes me some Bruce Willlis. He did a great job in this one.

What about his partner? I remember the first time I saw Tracy Morgan on TV back in the early 90’s. It was on a show called The Uptown Comedy Club. Then he showed up on SNL and now 30 ROCK. Bringing the funny all the way. No exception here. Funny!

I gotta say that Kevin Smith made a really interesting choice with the score. He got Harold Faltermeyer to lay down the Fletch-iest, Beverly-Hills-Cop-iest synthy music!! It felt so familiar and perfect. Then Smith threw down every cliche I could think of and the movie didn’t suffer for it. I read a while back that Smith was thinking about doing a Fletch movie with Jason Lee but it never happened. Well he put Lee in this and paid HOMAGE!

I did not hate the HOMAGE!


I just watched Avatar win the Golden Globe for best Drama of 2009. Was it the best story told on film last year? No. But, which movie did I see twice? Avatar. It’s simply incredible to behold. Don’t worry, I’m not suffering from that post Avatar depression. I like my real life better. Avatar is what they call a game changer. Like the first talkies and Star Wars, etc.

When a movie makes a billion dollars there are bound to be detractors and naysayers and the like. Here’s my response to the people that say Avatar is basically Pocahontas in 3D: I would have seen this film twice if it was actually called  Pocahontas 3D!

I’m not naive. I know the story has been told before. I know it’s like Dances with Wolves. I know the Nav’i look like a blue Rocky Dennis, but you know what? Every story has been told before. The trick is to tell the story in a new and interesting way. James Cameron did that with Avatar. And Rocky Dennis was a person with feelings. So shut up, get your $13 out, put your 3D glasses on and enjoy these 10ft tall Methemoglobinemiacs!

I did NOT hate Avatar!