I just got back from a screening of A History Of Violence, starring Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello. They are both fantastic in this film. The stand out performance to me was William Hurt and he’s only in it for a short time. Man, was he funny! I am obviously a huge Viggo fan from his Lord of the Rings films and stuff, but I didn’t want to see this just to catch a glimpse of his naked poopshoot (although, I did see it. Jealous?). I heard good buzz on this film. I heard it was real gritty with the violence. I was bracing myself for some Monty Python’s Holy Grail type stuff with the lopping off of limbs and whatnot. But, director, David Cronenberg went for reality on this one. Not gore, just “Here’s what you get if you should decide to take a coffee pot to some guys face.” The violence isn’t the focus of the film, it’s a context for the great character work. This is a live by the severed carotid artery, die by the severed carotid artery kind of story. It’s about choices and how they effect us and our loved ones. I, for instance, have now decided to stay away from angering anyone associated with the mob. It’s just a personal pledge. I’m not telling you how to live. If you can stomach some dealing out death and some “oh, um, they don’t see me sitting right here. Oh, that’s private!” love making between, married, consenting, adults, then you will get to enjoy a powerful film by an exceptional group of filmmakers. I did NOT hate this movie (for fear of being wacked)!

Sex is overrated. It really is. It is also insane. How can something be so personal, SO public and so utterly defining all at the same time? As a guy, from about 5th or 6th grade, sex is a curious little train stop about a quarter mile ahead and you are a Japanese Bullet Train with no brakes. Some of us fix those brakes, learn the beauty of the journey and wait for that one special stop. Some of us jerk the train right off the track and smash the hell out of every poor little train stop up the coast. But some never stop at all. They just keep cruising along. The longer they do, the more we marvel. “How can that Japanese Bullet Tr… AAAARRRRGGHH! I’m stuck in metaphor hell!!!!! This movie is about a virgin. The fact that he makes it through 40 years of life “without” is, in our culture, tantamount to finding some aged WWII soldier living in a jungle on Guam still gunnin fer japs. “No way! How’d that happen!?!” The truth is, there are plenty of sex free citizens on earth. But that’s not funny. The 40 Year Old Virgin IS funny! So funny! Now, it is a raunchy film at times. But, if you’re like me and you were raised by a television, you will hardly notice ALL the naughty language and imagery zooming through your head and you will see a charming tale of the benefits (yes, I said benefits) of a sex free life. Further, you will learn the beauty of saving yourself for that one special person. I’m not saying this film extols the virtues of the covenant of marriage as set forth by our Creator, but it gets at that truth through a side door. The cast is near perfect. Judd Apatow and Steve Carell wrote a terrrific film. Steve Carell should be in most movies. He’s insane. Like sex. I did NOT hate it!

Man! Pimps and Ho’s never looked so, well, pimpish and ho’ish?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting old. The street life doesn’t have the same magical appeal that it once had for me. You know, like The Sopranos or Colors or Punky Brewster? Hustle and Flow shows the gritty side of street life. The story follows street pimp, D Jay, as he struggles to make more of his life through music. Although some of you wouldn’t call hip-hop music, I would and I will pimp slap you in front of your kids and say it to your face, beeeoooheeeoch! Hold on, sorry. I got a little hard core there. OK, I’m back. Forgive me. Don’t look for DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince here. There is no one getting jiggy with anything in this film. The vibe is strictly Dirty South Memphis Style Crunk Hip-Hop. Crunk is a word that black people started using a while back. It’s just about made it’s way into the white vernacular so expect it to die of over use by Thanksgiving. Stay tuned for a new cool word from the black community any day now. This film was well acted for sure. The language is a bit much for the general viewing audience. I didn’t hate this movie, but I didn’t love it either. Even if I did hate it, I wouldn’t type it out on my website as I would be afraid of getting pimp slapped myself. Now go get me my money, ho!

I finally broke down and saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith starring the uncomfortably handsome Brad Pitt and Angelina Parker Bowels. I went into this thing curious about the chemistry between the lead actors since I thought I’d heard somewhere that they may like each other for reals. Holy Crap! I’d wipe with a People Magazine if it wasn’t so glossy (you see, it’s not as effective as TP when it’s glossy… and then there are the staples… ouch). At least this wasn’t Gili! That fact alone kept this film on my want to see list. Anyhoo, Brad Pitt is pretty good in most stuff and this is no exception. I thought he was great in Fight Club. Oh by the way, some character in the film wore a Fight Club t-shirt. Ridiculous. Why would, director, Doug Liman do that? Was it supposed to be funny or cute or fute? All the shirt did for me was say “Ahem, you are NOT watching Fight Club. Remember Fight Club where Brad Pitt gets in all those fights and he says don’t talk about fight club? Man! Fight Club ruled!” Then I’m like “Shut up, shirt from another Brad Pitt movie! I’m watching THIS Brad Pitt movie! But, yeah, Fight Club did rule. You’re lucky to be a Fight Club shirt. You could have been a Gili shirt.” New subject, I have an issue with Ms. Jolie: I think she’s talented BUT I can’t see her anymore without replaying that nasty-ass red carpet episode at Mtv’s “Best of all Mtv Awards Shows” Show when she and her then husband/legal guardian Billy Bob just glommed onto each other as if the plane was going down and they had T-Minus 6 minutes to get pregnant. ICK! She just freaks me out now. It’s like she knows a secret and she won’t tell me. Like she knows a whole gaggle of secrets and she’s just hiding them in those puffy lips on her face. Tell us the secret, you temptress!!! Fine. Keep your secrets. This film was good times. Doug Liman also directed The Bourne Identity so he knows action. He was not invited to direct the sequel on account of his rubbing EVERYONE the wrong way. Not sure exactly what happened. I’m sure Angelina has the answer stuffed in those innertubes. I will say that I did NOT hate this movie BUT I would have not hated it even more if there wasn’t so much extracurricular drama surrounding the actors. I feel bad for Rachel. I hope Phoebe and Joey can cheer her up. Ross will just confuse things. I mean they have Emma to think about. Selfish idiots.

Historically, I really commit to my favorite TV shows. In 8th and 9th grade I liked Miami Vice and by “liked” I mean an unhealthy obsession, couldn’t miss it, must dress like Don Johnson even though I’m 14 years old and not a cop in Miami. I am horribly embarrassed about that time and hope that there is little photographic evidence. Eventually, I learned to appreciate programs without diving in head first at the shallow end. For instance, I quite enjoyed Seinfeld but never once felt the urge to become a Jewish comedian. See! Healthy! OK, present day. My newest, bestest show in the whole wide world is LOST! I do NOT hate it! This guy, JJ Abrams, who started his TV life with Felicity, of all things, is my hero! He thought up another favorite show, ALIAS, and instead of sitting back and basking in the glow of a successful series, he took on a couple new projects. One of which is LOST. What, at first, sounded like a Gilligans Island remake has become an interesting drama about redemption, failure, drug abuse and boar meat! LOST uses the flashback masterfully. Most screenwriting instructors will tell you to stay away from the flashback, but it’s used SO well on LOST to illuminate motive and character and to tweak stereotypes. With such a large cast, LOST doesn’t put all it’s eggs in one basket like a Nash Bridges, for example. Sorry, I had to throw another Don Johnson show in there. LOST does a nice job of diversity without cramming it down your throat like every Mtv show ever. There different people dealing with things differently. Good drama! For the geeks, there are all kinds of crazy things going on with numbers and comic books and stuff. I know there are detractors that can’t stop asking when the Globetrotters will show up on the island. The answer is NEVER you detractors. That would be lame. What would be cool is if Crockett and Tubbs showed up in Crockett’s badass racing boat to save everybody! Cue Jan Hammer music!

The summer before 1st grade, I saw Star Wars. Then the toys came out! My mom was gonna buy me 2 action figures, but then I got chicken pox so she bought me 5 of ‘em! Sweet! I mean the toys were sweet. Chicken pox sucked! I had those itchy things everywhere. EVERYWHERE! Yes, even there. I grew up on Star Wars. It was torture waiting the 3 or 4 years between movies. I was miserable. Not “Chicken Pox in my crack” miserable but close. I saw Empire Strikes Back the summer before 4th grade. It was probably the coolest thing I’d ever seen in my short life. My older cousin, Tim Hay, was so excited after seeing it that he screamed to his mom (waiting in the car)as he ran past the line waiting to get in, “MOM! Darth Vader is Lukes father!!!!” The summer before 7th grade I saw Return of the Jedi and the trilogy was complete. Star Wars was very influential during my formative years. I even remember one of the fights my mom and step-dad got into. It was pretty bad. I worked up the courage to go plead with them to stop. “If Luke and Darth Vader can get along then so can you!”, I said through tears. It didn’t work, my step-dad was a drunk a-hole. Man, if anyone deserved chicken pox in their crack, but I digress. In my 7th grade class photo, I’m wearing a Return of the Jedi t-shirt with a scout trooper on a speeder bike. Clearly, girls were not in the picture at that point. As you can imagine, when I heard that George Lucas was making a prequel trilogy, I was stoked! And, just like most 34 year old comic book collectors still renting out moms garage, I was sadly disappointed by Episodes 1 and 2. Maybe I was different? Perhaps, I was less innocent and less willing to suspend disbelief to really recapture the magic? Or maybe, just maybe those movies were craptastic. Most likely the latter. They did have elements that were terrific, but the overall impression I got was that movie making technology was the star of the show. Anyhoo, I could go into WAY more detail, but then Matt Steele and I would have half as much stuff to talk about at lunch tomorrow. After seeing Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith, I am happy to report that I DID NOT HATE IT! It was pretty dang cool. Of course, I have my nerd criticisms but it really was some good drama set in an incredible looking universe. I just knew that the magic was still there. Some say that these are kids movies and are worse for adults, kinda like Chicken Pox. Man, I can’t imagine that stuff in my adult crack. Ouch!